Seven Octillion Avenue    

Ash Raymond James

Content warning: Mental health

Ate breakfast today. Do not know what day of the week it is but I convince myself it is Friday. There is magic in the forgetting and how you can negotiate with the remembering. I associate happiness with Fridays and only half know why but I consider this enough. I strip off my night clothes, shower, and put on my day clothes. My atoms reshuffle themselves to assemble something remotely human. I feel like a periodic table of unspoken elements and I fight the urge of closing the curtains and going back to bed. I put on a jacket and gravity becomes so strong, it pulls all of my breath into myself. I leave the house and it feels like stepping off the edge of a spaceship. This atmosphere is so foreign these days. Horses flock to the fences as I walk past them. A dog finds its way to my legs. There is an intuition in animals to sense when somebody needs comforting. I wander through the woods, I find a rock to sit on and I cry. I finally exhale. I stand up and head home. I fill a notepad with words searching for something better than an apology but end up right back at ‘I’m sorry’. I am sorry I am so sad. It has been such a good week but I woke up this morning feeling like a balloon with a bullet hole and I am trying so hard to shift it. I know nothing I have listed sounds like an accomplishment but some days, being alive is a profession I do not feel qualified for. I do not put on the television. I read books until my eyes hurt. I listen to music on full volume to try and drown out my thoughts. I just want you to know I am trying. I know all of this is chemistry but who decided I was an atom bomb?

The Science

This poem is inspired by 'chemical imbalances' and how they have an association with mood disorders and mental health conditions. It is about the forces of the universe and what makes us human. It’s a highlight of how a force such as gravity actually has a variable factor. It’s knowing what it is to be without oxygen. The title itself represents the average amount of atoms in the human body and how some days I can feel every single one of them.

The Poet

Ash Raymond James is a writer, photographer and graphic designer from South Wales, UK. He mostly writes poetry and essays and runs his company, ‘Savvy Bear Studios’. You can find him on Instagram @ashraymondjames or at www.ashraymondjames.com.

Next poem: Somnus by Derry Carr